Well, I’ve been off the quetiapine for well over a week now, and things have gone back to normal. Moods have resumed being mostly stable, and my sleep pattern has reset, so I’m actually sleeping and waking up feeling (mostly) rested. Still having nightmares, but that’s a usual thing for me. Psychiatrist said they will stop in their own time, probably when I’ve dealt with the issues I face within my dreams – in which case, I’ll be waiting a long time.
It’s taken me a while, but I’m starting to recognise the progress I’m making. Anyone who was around me this time last year would tell you how much of an unstable wreck I was. I wasn’t coping with life, myself, my relationship or anything around me. I would spend days in bed, I’d cry at night while I brushed my teeth, I tried to be humourous about the whole thing, but inside I felt like I was dying. I was so self-destructive, I seriously felt like I hated everything around me enough to let it burn and not give a shit. And this was before the BPD diagnosis!
I thought things would feel easier after I saw my old psychiatrist for the first time. He listened to my life story, the things I had seen and gone through, and within twenty minutes told me I was borderline. At first I felt relieved to know that there was a reason as to why I felt the way I did. But then the realisation kicked in and somehow made me more volatile. I was desperate for people’s understanding and support – and I got it off the right people, the ones who stood by me, who read about the condition and didn’t abandon me as soon as things got heavy.
These are the only people who matter to me. And I’m making new friends in life, through my volunteering work, reaching out to other mental health bloggers and writers, and reconnecting with old friends, too.
It’s taken me a long time, but I’m starting to feel like I’m on the way to recovery. It’ll be a long time before I can say I’m better – I still have bad days, but they’re getting far and few in-between.
I’ve been applying for some jobs, a huge thing for me since the problems I faced in my last two jobs, and so far I’ve been turned down for two out of four of them. I’m still waiting to hear back from the remaining positions, but it’s looking like I won’t get through for an interview. I’m not too down about it though. I put myself back out there, something I never thought I would happen again! And, I do have a plan B. That’s something I’ll explore at a future date…
I have been so rushed off my feet the past few weeks, and it looks like I’m not going to be slowing down any time soon. My cousin’s wedding is happening this weekend and she’s left me in charge of giving a speech about her – a favour she will be repaying at my wedding in November – and naturally I am nervous. Public speaking is something I am very good at faking, always have been. But, I’m honoured to be doing this for her. She’s sixteen months older than me, and has known me literally my whole life. We may be polar opposites, but she’s been there for me through all my hard times, and we both love Game of Thrones, so that’s that.
I’ve also been clearing out stuff at home, and selling it too. Not made a huge amount of money, but there’s a huge sense of accomplishment to be found from it. I’ve also picked up some of my hobbies again, including Magic: the Gathering – something I have been into for over two years, and the thing that brought me and the Other Half together in the first place!
I’ve also joined Slimming World, after seeing so many brilliant results from quite a few friends of mine. I’ve written before about how I want to lose weight after a lifetime of being overweight and not comfortable with my body – and so far, it’s been pretty simple. I’m being allowed to eat loads of things I didn’t think I could, and I’m looking forward to being part of another group like the one I met on Tuesday.
This has been a pretty rushed update, I know, but I’m struggling to write lately! I don’t really know what to write about right now, seeing as life is keeping me on my toes.
Let’s hope I’ve got enough spoons for it all.