Wednesday was a good day. Other Half and I visited the local donkey sanctuary with Lady – all the donkeys loved her, but she wasn’t so keen on the bigger, funny-looking dogs. We wandered around Sutton Park, had lunch together and wandered home. It was a lovely day with my family.
Wednesday was a good day. It had been a year since I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
I remember the psychiatrist saying the words. I remember the look on Other Half’s face as I looked over to him. I remember the huge weight that dropped into my chest as I felt both relieved at the validation of my feelings, and terrified of what was to come. Suddenly, everything in my life up to that point rushed through my mind, and the dots connected – in a horrible way, it all made sense.
The months that followed were pretty hellish. I lost friends, I spent days in bed, I hurt myself, ate A LOT of junk food, gained and lost weight, went on and off my meds, and honestly I thought I was doomed to destroy myself thanks to this condition. I can recall vividly the time my so-called best friend of five years talking to me in a very business-like manner, telling me that he and the rest of our friends noticed that since I was given my diagnosis, that my behaviour had got worse. (I would like to point out that even with this astute observation, none of my friends did anything to support me, so… it was kinda like pointing out that someone’s on fire and walking away.)
Not surprisingly, he’s not my best friend anymore.
I don’t recall exactly when the turning point came. It was around the time when we lost Shandy – I had decided before then I was going to volunteer, I was trotting along with my distance learning course, but it was when my beautiful old girl passed, when for a short time I completely lost my mind and scarred my arm for life, that’s when I realised I needed to beat my demons down to survive.
So, I stayed on my meds. I got through training for my volunteer position and started my regular shifts, I applied for jobs – and when I got nowhere with that, I didn’t give up. I passed my level 3 diploma in Abnormal Psychology with Distinction, which has driven me to want to go back into education properly. I saw my beloved cousin get married last month, and my own wedding is getting closer by the day.
Not only have I survived – I have thrived.
My bad days are getting so much easier to deal with. I haven’t had a psychotic episode in a very long time. I haven’t self-harmed since January, and I’ve become used to my scars. I made it through the first year of being (officially) borderline.
And I’ve got big plans for my life. Just you wait and see.
Oh, the day after our trip to the donkey sanctuary, Lady finally had her operation to get spayed – so she doesn’t get ill like Shandy did. She made it through it all okay, though she is dozy from the pain meds, and currently looks adorable in her onesie to stop her from biting her stitches.