It’s been a very long time since I’ve had a schedule that has meant that every day has come with jobs and tasks to do. Our wedding date is looming closer, which involves different appointments for things, such as my wedding dress fitting, finalising small details for the ceremony, organising people and where everyone needs to be… Then, there’s my more creative work. I’ve started writing my book about living with BPD as well as continuing my horror/fantasy novel and throwing in other pieces as and when I can.
Finally, there’s my voluntary work. I’m also researching into taking an Access course with Open University in the new year to kickstart my education and future career in mental health via psychology, as well as currently taking a FutureLearn course in Caring for People with Psychosis and Schizophrenia.
…so, this week I’ve burned out completely. After meeting with the manager at the wedding venue, dealing with paperwork and final details, me and the Other Half came home and I just broke down. I snapped at him, I shouted at the cat, I started crying and I felt like utter shit. Other Half did the smart thing and left me alone – otherwise it would’ve just descended into an argument and neither of us need that right now. After an episode of Hannibal (I’ve marathon-ed the first two series this week) I went into the bedroom to him and cuddled up beside him. We watched the last episode of Breaking Bad together (I’ve been marathon-ing that as well, holy hell what a show) and went to bed.
Eventually, after using up all my energy just to go to the post office to pick up a parcel and barely having the spoons to make dinner and head to Slimming World, I realised I had managed to completely burn myself out. It’s not that I’m doing too much, but I am putting far too much pressure on myself to be able to do so many things at once. Whenever I feel ‘better’, I feel like I should be Superwoman – forgetting that it’s not that simple. I can do whatever I want, as long as I am kind to myself and allow time for rest and doing things that don’t involve work, wedding or going through my diary to see what I’m doing and when.
So, I gave myself two days off. The first day was spent sleeping off the effects of the diazepam I had taken to bring myself down from the ceiling. The second day was for playing Final Fantasy XIV and watching rubbish TV. I’ve become a fan of Judge Rinder over on ITV, it’s really camp and dramatic as well as completely ridiculous, but it’s far less tragic than Jeremy Kyle… I’ve finally caught up on my rest and having that time to myself reminded me just how important self-care really is. Without it, I’d have probably been a sobbing wreck all over again – and this close to our wedding, I really can’t afford that.
Today is about getting on with my coursework, writing up some other bits, and getting ready for my weekend at the in-laws. We’re off to see my favourite comedian Nick Helm tomorrow in Harrogate, which I am very excited for. He’s loud, brash, angry and brilliant. It’ll also be really good to see my Other Half’s parents before the wedding. I’m really close to them, especially my mother-in-law. We always take Lady with us – she loves the car ride up and she also loves getting to boss around my in-laws’ smaller dogs too.
Oh. And some other news too. I have a job interview on Monday morning. I won’t say anything more than that right now – what I will say, is that even if I don’t get the job, I’m thrilled that someone has given me the chance.
I couldn’t ask for more.