Well, we got through the wedding in one piece – something I will write about in due course – and I am now a married woman! I’m still in a daze about it all, I keep looking down at my wedding ring and thinking, “I’m someone’s wife now…” My Other Half is now my Husband and I couldn’t be happier. I always worried that my mental health would stop me from making a commitment like this, and after my BPD diagnosis I was almost sure I wouldn’t be able to enter a marriage.
Sometimes it’s good to be wrong.
Over the past few months, I’ve lost myself to the planning of the wedding – and when not planning, I was fretting. I threw myself into other projects when I could, but I always came back to the wedding. In my usual fashion, I was waiting for things to go wrong. In the weeks before the big day there were a few declines to come to the ceremony – some totally unavoidable due to poor health, others seemingly just down to either pettiness or just forgetting. Then, two days before the big day, we got two lots of bad news within six hours of each other. Surprisingly, we got through it together. We kept going and going until the day came, then the night rolled in…
…and then it was over.
Just like that, we were back home. The Husband was back to work and I… well. I was lost. I was supposed to go back to volunteering, but I just couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve got lots of admin to do with changing my name everywhere, the option to study next year, writing both my novel and my BPD book… and I’ve got to go back to being Claire. Not a fiancee, not a wife, not a volunteer, just Claire. But Claire is struggling to do everyday tasks like cooking dinner, showering, even getting up to get the post. It’s taken me well over an hour just to write this post – and it’s taken longer than a week for me to just write something for this blog.
I need a break. And I don’t just mean in a literal sense, although our honeymoon to Whitby is at the end of the month and is definitely something I’m looking forward to! No, I need a break from what has been a very hectic last few months. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this time, aside from the absolute essential admin – maybe I should just do nothing. Play some video games, watch some TV, let my brain calm the fuck down for a little while. I have been granted leave from my voluntary position, and I have nothing coming up aside from honeymoon and the dread C-word… no, not that one. Christmas. Eeesh.
I’m going to enjoy being Claire again. A much more improved Claire, with the addition of an awesome husband.