It has been nearly a month since our wedding and I have yet to change my name anywhere official. I need to send off copies of our marriage certificate and fill out forms… I just about had the energy today to finally get this post written. I have about six drafts from the past few weeks but I usually don’t get very far in writing before it becomes too much of a hassle to finish.
The routine at home has mostly returned to normal. I’ve returned to Slimming World – over the month around the wedding I only gained 4lb, and this week I’ve lost 1.5lb of that already thanks to our normal meals at home. I have no intention of letting myself slip back into old habits, especially when the alternative is much tastier. The Husband has gone back to work and his usual chores at home, and I’ve tried to do the same.
Since my post about my most recent episode, I have asked for leave from my volunteer position and I’m trying to be open about just how much I’m struggling right now. When I started volunteering, I told them that I have BPD and that most of the time I operate on 90% capacity. It takes a lot for me to crack and melt down usually. But with the wedding, everything that was thrown at us before and after, I can safely say I’m down to about 60%. Everything is a struggle right now. It takes a lot of effort just to do something as simple as going out and posting a letter, or responding to emails, or even writing. Cooking and cleaning takes me a lot longer than it should. At least I’m still getting up and dressed early, simply because I don’t want to slip into my old depressive habits of staying in my pyjamas and sleeping all day.
After my last episode, I had a lot of making up to do to those who got caught in my borderline crossfire. Admitting you were wrong is one thing, but admitting you were unwell and wrong is another. I hate the idea of people thinking that my BPD controls me, but sometimes I do lose control, and it’s not until I’ve spiralled so far that people can tell that I’ve lost it. I’ve spent most of my life convincing people that I was okay when I wasn’t, it’s a survival technique. I’ve managed to put a lot of things right, which I’m happy with.
But… god, I’m tired. And it’s hard to be this tired at 60% when I know just what I’m capable of at 90%.
I wanted to be back volunteering before Christmas – a time when people need us most – but I can’t risk anyone else’s stability for the sake of my stubborn pride. I’m currently in the middle of applying for my Access course which starts in February and trying to get things put in place to support my BPD but I feel overwhelmed by just how much I need to do. I don’t feel festive at all, Christmas feels like something that is just another huge event that I don’t have the energy to deal with. I guess that’s what happens when you get married so close to December.
So, I suppose I’ll have to do what I can with my 60%. I want that number to go up – I don’t want to exhaust myself and drop it any further.
I’ll be posting up an update on work-type things after I’ve grabbed some lunch, so stay tuned for that.