Do I take everybody else down?
Everybody else down with me? – Trivium, In Waves
I keep saying that I’m riding the end of the episode that took hold back in November before the wedding, but honestly, I don’t think I am. I mean, yes I am doing much better than I was but it’s coming in waves. My moods are rapidly cycling – how I’m feeling in the evening is guaranteed to vary from how I felt in the morning.
Even as we speak, I feel sluggish, tired and slightly melancholy. But when I woke up this morning, I felt really good. I had a shower, breakfast, planned my day – and then I stopped. All my will and desire to do anything just jumped out of the window. It took me well over an hour to leave the house for a trip to the shops that would only take twenty minutes overall. I just could not bring myself to get up and leave.
Earlier on this week, I spent all evening in bed crying on and off because of former friends online saying some pretty mean passive-aggressive things about me and my condition, before they fobbed me off with the ol’ ‘Not Everything I Write Is About You’ line.
You’re talking to someone who spent a whole summer writing blogs filled with spite and vitriol towards one person; she would posts in response, so I would respond with the same fucking line before launching yet another attack. (Me and the woman in question have long since got past that, and now refer to that period as The Blog Wars – it sounds silly but I was in a very dark and fucked up place… another story for another time.)
So, guilt, paranoia and general despair kinda stole me away. Believe it or not though, that morning I was mega-productive. Made phone calls, took Lady out for a walk, went to the shops, got some writing and art done. My moods are way more unpredictable than usual, and it is worrying me. Just when I think I’ve got a handle on this stupid condition, it comes back to smack in the face as if to say, “Hah, you wish.”
I also got upset because a very good friend of mine inadvertently reminded me of how worthless I feel at times. We’ll call him The Kiwi – he’s from New Zealand and I’ve known him online for a decade now. He got a promotion at work which has threw him up the ladder, both career-wise and salary-wise. Of course he earned it, I speak to him pretty much every morning (his evening) and he works damn hard. But, we’re the same age with only four months difference between birthdays and I feel miserable that I’m not in a similar position. Logically I know that I’m trying my hardest to get somewhere in life; I’m writing more now than I have in my entire life and I’ve also succeeded in getting a place on an Access module with the Open University in preparation for starting my degree afterwards. I’m also going back to volunteering this weekend, and I’m doing really well at Slimming World. I know it takes time to ride out the worst of things and get back to your best. I’m just very impatient and tired of being ill.
I was supposed to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday but that didn’t happen, so I’m waiting on another appointment – which I want to use to discuss the possibility of trying another mood stabiliser, as well as chasing up the damn DBT referral. There’s still a box of quetiapine in the bathroom cupboard, but the side effects really do outweigh whatever benefits there may be. I like my husband quite a lot and I did not enjoy wanting to punch him every time he spoke when I tried them before… I’ve seen a few recommended for people with BPD, aripiprazole and olanzapine being the two I’ve seen thrown around, risperidone I think doesn’t really do much for personality disorders but who knows. I am actually quite keen to try lamotrigine as it’s not an antipsychotic, so I wouldn’t have to worry about weight gain.
…this is what happens when you have the internet in your hand. Smartphones are a blessing and curse.
I need to learn to accept that this is just how my disorder works – everything comes in waves, both stability and instability alike. I’ve just got to find a way to get a handle on it better than it can get on me.