Apparently, the world is the closest it’s been to annihilation since the Cold War. Scientists today have determined this using the Doomsday clock, thanks to the powerful nations with their nuclear weapons as well as rising tensions between them, climate change, and terrorism being the main threats to humanity as we know it.
And I’m currently flip-flopping between ‘Holy Shit I Don’t Want The World To End Because I Haven’t Lived My Life Yet’ and ‘Let It All Fucking Burn I Have Had E-fucking-nough’.
Dipping in and out of depressive and positive episodes at the moment. I went back to my volunteering position last week and I was so glad to be back there. My little hub of stability. I’ve also started getting everything in place to start my Access course at the end of this week, got all my materials and making study plans already because I’ve made no secret of wanting another shot at my education. But in my head at the moment, I just feel like a worthless, sad excuse of a human being.
I didn’t go to my SW group today because I slept until past 3pm, with vivid dreams of blood and gore. I’ve not done much aside from putting time into a game I’ve been playing on my mobile and tidying a little rubbish away. Husband made himself some dinner (I’m not hungry) and is now sorting the kitchen out. God, I feel like a waste of a wife. I need to make important phone calls and emails but I just have nothing pushing me to do so. I feel like crap. I’ve got projects to be working on too, but I’m just shrugging them off.
I did manage to go out for a meal for my nan’s 85th birthday at the weekend with the most immediate family members of mine. It was nice, but exhausting. I always try to remain on my best behaviour on such occasions, seeing as I usually say things without thinking – but my family tend to shrug it off anyway, they’re used to the weird shit I say at times. For example, Nan told me the other day that my brother T has split from his wife for the umpteenth time and I immediately laughed in her face. She thought it was because I knew, but it was just because I wasn’t surprised.
(He’s already reconnected with a few family members, and while I wait for a pleading Facebook message along with a sermon about how we need to stick together because we’re brother and sister, Mom would’ve wanted it, blah blah… I expect no miracles – I might have made peace with K, but T can jog on.)
If the world does end… as long as it leads me to a whiskey swigging, chain smoking, foul mouthed American priest with a jawline for days, it won’t be so bad.