How does one go about asking for more help than what they’re getting? I was diagnosed with BPD around 18 months ago and there was so much talk at the time of different therapies, medications, outlets… and as we stand today, I am STILL waiting for my psychiatrist appointment and, well, that’s that. I have no other support outside my psychiatrist.
I feel like I’m the only person I know with mental health problems who has been left pretty much to it. I’ve never been offered a support worker, I’ve got no access to a CPN and my care plan consists of medication and a trip to A&E if need be. That’s it.
I’ve said it before, my psychiatrist is an awesome man and I appreciate his kind and considerate attitude towards me – he is a hell of a lot more empathetic than my senior consultant of whom I’ve only met once and made me feel like jumping in front of a car thanks to how vile he was to me. But I don’t think I have enough support for when I’m really ill. Of course I have the Husband, my cousin and her husband, my in-laws and the close friends who know me best, but it’s not their job to look after me.
When I’m really ill, verging on psychotic even, I know I’m exhausting to look after. I hurt myself, I usually want to kill myself, sometimes it’s a battle to get me to take my medication as well as hiding everything I could use to hurt myself – hell, the Husband has threatened to lock me in the bedroom if that’s what it takes to keep me safe. My mother-in-law has offered to look after me up north as well, and I know she’d do an amazing job.
But why should they have to?
I asked my old psychiatrist Dr Eyebrows about having DBT and basically had to fight for a referral, which he only acknowledged after the RAID team at hospital were flabbergasted that I hadn’t been referred at that point. But after over a year of waiting, Husband is pretty sure that Dr Eyebrows never actually referred me. I can believe that – after all, this is the same man who sent me to psychotherapy despite my protests against it, and pulled me off my antipsychotics a little too rapidly.
I want help. I want treatment. I know last summer was a really good time for me, I was very stable and almost well for quite some time. But that’s the thing with borderline personality disorder, as well as a pattern I have faced over my life, you can have stable periods but all it takes is something to throw you off and then just like that you’re back in borderline central.
What would be ideal for me? Something that means I get more support than just a quarterly psychiatrist appointment. A CPN, perhaps. Trying more medications to see if something helps to level my mood swings out. THERAPY. Whether it’s DBT, MBT or even fucking art therapy, I want something that helps me vent and deal with the unbalanced thoughts in my head. I’m fed up of feeling jealous of other people for getting more support than I do.