Light the beacons!

11am – Another day of waking up feeling hopeless. Why do I even feel this way? Life is really fucking good right now, so why can’t I just be happy? Chris was supposed to come over today but I’m too low to even try and enjoy his company. Mood keeps cycling. Husband is trying his best but neither of us know what to do. Neighbour is driving me to distraction. Need to do something. Anything to make this stop.

12:31pm – Eventually got up and dressed. Haven’t brushed my teeth yet though. I haven’t left the flat in four days. Not because I don’t want to, I just can’t be bothered. It requires more energy than I have. I did shower yesterday but that took up all my energy. I was going to make dinner but I was worn out. Husband wanted to see Deadpool but I just couldn’t face people. I really want to see Deadpool though. I heard Ryan Reynolds has a full frontal nude fight with the guy who used to be Game of Thrones. I want to see it because it’s Deadpool but you know, bonus.

Care plan tells me in case of crisis to phone the duty clinician during working hours. Had enough of feeling like shit. Gonna call now. Neighbour upstairs is stomping around and singing. Apparently the council won’t move him out for his antisocial behaviour because he has mental health problems? Well, what about mine??

12:40pm – Got through to the reception, she said the duty clinician is in a meeting but she’ll get them to call me back. The waiting game begins. I don’t even know what they’ll be able to do for me, if anything.

1:50pm – Still waiting for a call. Been over an hour.

3pmSTILL NO CALL. Had a lot of support over Twitter and from my Kiwi friend. It’s 4am where he is and he’s managing to talk to me. 4am and he’s keeping me sane. He’s a good guy. Been over two hours now. Husband will be home before I get this call.

4pm – Husband should be due home any minute now, I haven’t had a call and it’s been well over three hours. I’m fed up and tired of waiting. How am I meant to have any faith in the idea of getting better if the people who are supposed to help me WON’T EVEN CALL ME BACK??

I should probably go brush my teeth.

4.15pm – In the car with Husband. He walked in, I told him I’d had no call and he told me to get my shoes on. I’m exhausted and I’m pissed off and I’m scared of how much talking I’m going to have to do.

We went to the reception, asked if we could see whoever was on duty as I’d been waiting for a call – she told us she’d call the duty nurse down and to take a seat. It can’t have been longer than five minutes before a lovely lady called Lyn came to get us and took us into an empty office for a chat.

I honestly didn’t have a lot of hope for our conversation. But, I was glad to have been wrong about the outcome of our meeting. I explained to her about my depressive episodes, the instability I’d faced since just before the wedding, the self-inflicted injuries on my leg and the recent rapid cycling of my moods. I even admitted to pulling my hair out as a coping mechanism – something I very rarely say outloud. (It’s something I’ve been doing since I was a teenager, a less obvious form of self-harm to deal with my anxiety). I also said how I felt like I’d been left to it, with very little support outside of those close to me. She didn’t patronise me, or offer empty platitudes, and although she took notes she still paid attention to what both me and my Husband had to say.

If I had been referred for DBT by Dr Eyebrows, she said I would’ve heard something long before now. When I told her about the discomfort I faced with psychotherapy, Lyn said that she felt I could benefit from some other psychological support – and given how often I battle with self deprecating thoughts and beliefs, she reckons something less analytical and more compassion-based might be the way to go. It’s the first time in thirteen years I’ve been offered something different to either counselling or CBT, so I’m willing to take a chance on this. We also spoke about reviewing my meds with the idea of trying mood stabilisers again, and assigning me a CPN for extra support between psych appointments. With all this in mind, Lyn is going to talk to Dr Nutkins-May tomorrow morning and call me if she can move my appointment forward and keep me up to date with any progress made.

We left and got some food. I felt a huge amount of relief – finally someone listened to me. I reached out for help, and this may be the start of the process that finally gets me on the right path to recovery. I hope.

Life is going really well right now – I want my mental health to match.


An accurate representation of my moods right now, featuring Deadpool


About Claire

Well-groomed tomboy. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I hide it well.
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One Response to Light the beacons!

  1. recoveryalways says:

    Gorgeous, Claire! Keep at it, somehow, someway the field of mental health care will get it right! Until then we must put up with them. The brain is a terribly complex organ and we have come out from the dark ages, but are not yet at warp-speed!
    I felt terrible all day today, but fought to keep my mind in the “arena of sanity” and now feel much better. My experience has taught me to never give up… except to God?!

    Liked by 1 person

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