Unpredictable and unreliable

Did you guys see the third big bit of news I had via Twitter/this blog’s Facebook page? I got to travel down to London to have a chat with one of my favourite guys, Nick Helm! It was meant to be a proper interview, but it ended up being a lovely conversation about his work, struggles with dark times and even a chance for him to ask me some things, which was surreal and wonderful. I won’t spoil any more details as I’m transcribing our hour’s natter as we speak and I think you’ll all enjoy it when it’s done. It was a great day, and even now as I listen to the recording I’m still pinching myself and trying to tell myself that it really happened.

That was at the start of the week. Tuesday saw me going back to Slimming World after a week away and I was welcomed back by all the ladies there. I am very lucky to have such a lovely group around me every week who encourage me to look after myself and be kind to myself. It’s not all about weight loss, it’s about doing the best for yourself, and we’ve all been there. I had a pound gain, but it’s that time of the month so I’m not bothered or surprised.

Wednesday and yesterday were spent trying to catch up with different pieces of work as well as my coursework for uni. I was doing okay, until the evening where I started to feel manic. Me and the Husband were watching TV and he kept asking me if I was going to get some sleep before my late night shift at the place I volunteer. I couldn’t switch off. That manic feeling soon turned to terror and anxiety at the thought of going on shift and doing/saying something that might cause harm to someone else. For some reason, my mind became bogged down with memories of my old jobs, old faces and friends, and all the times I thought I was doing well when in fact I was being ridiculed and mocked behind my back. I couldn’t stop thinking about why I’m writing, why I’m trying to be an advocate for mental health and spread the word about BPD – I am the worst person to look to for support and advice because I ended up cancelling on my shift and hid under a blanket in the living room, shaking and crying while I played Tsum Tsum on my phone. (Don’t ask.)

On the left, my excitement on Monday morning when I was travelling to London. Right, my sad apathy at waking up this morning. What a difference five days and a few mood swings can make, eh?

I feel like a sad, disappointing mess. My psych appointment is on Monday and it can’t come quick enough if I’m honest. Husband has managed to get the day off work so I won’t be on my own – he’s very good at saying things that I’m too scared to say. I have a list of things I want to cover in our appointment, from trying lamotrigine to lowering my venlafaxine dose if possible and of course exploring therapy options too. I felt so stable over last summer and it felt great. I felt like I was finally getting myself under control. But then we had to have Munch put to sleep, then there was all the things that happened before the wedding and after (including some online drama that I was too involved with) so a lot of heavy things have happened. But good things have happened too, and I still don’t feel okay. I still don’t feel balanced or under control. I’ve gone back to volunteering and I’m terrified they’re going to let me go for being unreliable. There are so many projects I have on the go as well as being at university and I want to work hard and do well, but I’m scared it’s going to be a repeat of times past.

I’ve got a shift on Sunday morning, and it’s Husband’s birthday on Monday – I just want to be able to cope. Is that too much to ask for?


About Claire

Well-groomed tomboy. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I hide it well.
This entry was posted in Doing Stuff, Mental Health and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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