Dr Nutkins-May was kind enough to give me a month’s refill of lamotrigine as he had offered to do during our last appointment. I’m really pleased with this as I’ve found I usually have to jump through hoops to get medication without an appointment – this has been the case with my diazepam prescription anyway. Despite the dispenser at the pharmacy insisting she had to double check that lamotrigine wasn’t on ‘the list‘, I managed to get my meds without having to miss a day. (Something I have been warned against by a few friends who take the medication.)
Most of the side effects have subsided. The apparent menstrual problems keep coming and going, or at least I’m still getting spots and sore boobs without the actual appearance of the red sea. Headaches have stopped, sleeping patterns have returned to normal – or at least as normal as my sleeping pattern gets. And yes, moods are stable in the sense that I’m not randomly fluctuating all the time. I do keep having extended periods of feeling low, though the lamotrigine is there to fix the swings, it can’t fix the condition itself. And I do suffer from depression more than anything else, I guess.
I’m pleased with the progress so far. I’ve managed to do some voluntary shifts without hassle (apart from a late bus which meant I had to run from one part of town to the other in the rain wearing my Dr Martens… definitely not made for running), and my first university tutorial went well at the weekend as well. I also met up with my brother K, where we got to talk about our current life situations and spoke about things that happened in the past. I think it might be making sense to him now as to why I am the way I am, and how I ended up with BPD. He reminds me a lot of our dad sometimes, except he’s much softer and compassionate than he could be at times.
I’ll admit though, I have a lot going through my mind at the moment with regards to my health. I’m fretting about my blood test results from last month, more so than I’m letting on. There’s also something very personal that’s troubling me that I’m not willing to share here due to the nature of it. I feel like I’m not working hard enough or producing enough results for the work I am putting in. Then there’s the fact that it’s ten years this month since my dad died and… at times, it seems like he’s been gone that long. But other times it feels like he’s been gone my whole life. He had an impact on who I am as a person, I know that much – but if I was to see him again by some miracle, it would be like meeting a stranger.
I expect he’d feel the same about me. After all, I’m definitely not the same person I was when we last saw each other.
I still have an appointment with Dr Nutkins-May at the end of this month, which I hope will bear some fruit on the therapy front. We might even start tinkering with my medication already if it’s possible. In the meantime, I have to get my meeting with Nick Helm written up and start on my first university assignment.
But as we speak, I would LOVE to go back to bed. I went back to bed yesterday after breakfast, and the Husband is concerned about my sleepiness in case it’s a side effect. I think it’s more to do with the fact that I’m not sleeping well at night and pushing myself harder than I can actually handle at the moment.
Swings and roundabouts, I guess…