When I first started writing my blog, all I wanted to do was tell a story of how I live with borderline personality disorder. I wanted to be honest, blunt and a little bit funny too. If I’m honest, I wanted to take back my life after the chaos of being diagnosed and by being open with my writing it gave me the chance to do so.
My first blog post was telling people to stop gawping at those with self-harm scars. It came from the fact that the weather was warming up and I chose to wear a t-shirt one day despite the still relatively fresh red scars on my arms. And I noticed (it was kinda hard not to) that people were staring at them. I felt awful, ashamed of myself. It was like wearing a badge that said “I’m crazy, don’t sit next to me!” and I wondered what people thought when they looked at me and my scars.
Since then, I’ve slowly learned to live with them. I stopped trying to cover them up despite my anxiety, because it wasn’t my problem that people were staring like morons. It made me a little more ballsy if I’m honest. You don’t want to sit next to me because of my scars? Enjoy standing up on a moving bus. It makes you uncomfortable to look at them? Well, your face makes me uncomfortable but I can tolerate it. Yes, my scars are a visible reminder of a bad time in my life and I’m still here to wear them. My in-laws were the first ones to fully accept them – my mother-in-law said she was proud that I stopped covering them up with cardigans and hoodies. I think my own family struggled a little more, but when it came to my cousin’s wedding where I was her bridesmaid, no-one batted an eyelid. I mean, how could they pay attention to me when she looked so fucking beautiful?
As time went on, I stopped worrying about my scars being visible on my own wedding day. Thanks to their position on my arm, you can’t see them in any of the photos but I made no attempt to hide them from anyone. My Husband loves me scars and all, so there’s no reason for anyone else not to. People can hate me for more important things than my skin.
I would love to get my scars tattooed over at some point, but it’s not an urgent plan as it used to be. I want something beautiful to cover them because I can, not because I have to. It’s part of a long-term plan as opposed to something immediate, and that’s a sign of just how far I’ve come in just a year.
Writing about being borderline has given me some amazing opportunities and I’m so grateful for the messages of love and support I’ve received since I started. It’s kept me going through the darker days, and I want to keep doing it! I don’t know where it’ll take me from today, but I’m looking forward to seeing where I’ll go.
(As we speak, I’m in London seeing Nick Helm with some awesome friends I’ve made online. If you’d told me this time last year that I’d be going to London on my own, to hang out with friends I’ve never met to go to a gig without having the Husband to hold onto… Watch this space world, because one day I’ll be unstoppable!)
Thank you to everyone who reads this blog, for all your support and for keeping me going when I want to just stop. There are no words for just how much you mean to me. And for anyone out there who might feel like there’s no point in carrying on – there is always a point, you have it in you to find it for yourself. I have total faith in you, just please keep going.
To another year of talking too much and having no spoons!