I’m sick of this. I’m getting sick of letting people into my life and growing close to them, only for them to turn around years later and basically stick a knife in my heart when they’ve found themselves no longer wanting me around. Abandonment issues? Of course I have massive fucking abandonment issues – even without BPD, how do I ever get used to it?
For example. Yesterday, a former close friend of mine sent me this message after a stream of vicious texts;
‘Fuck off, you are toxic as fuck, sticking your fat ass in things that are nothing to do with you.’
Admittedly our friendship hasn’t been amazing since the end of 2015, for reasons I won’t go into so publicly. We don’t speak at all these days, and yet we were texting yesterday due to other people’s nonsense and it reached boiling point when I told her that I didn’t want anything more to do with her as well as not contact me again – and got that bile in response. And now we’ll probably never talk again, despite the fact she was at my wedding, she’s slept in my home, I’ve spent nights without sleep worrying about her and I honestly thought of her as a sister. All that time, all those memories, now tainted by a text she sent knowing very well how to insult me in a way that would hurt most.
How the fuck am I supposed to ever recover from people just leaving and breaking my heart? Mom and Dad, dead. My brother T, AWOL. The Ex, ditched me when he didn’t need me anymore. Same with MFP, I still don’t know where I stand with that guy. And I’m still protecting those guys and their identities, I don’t even know why! The aforementioned friend doesn’t need me anymore either, she has a new social circle and lifestyle now.
I’m getting sick of it, really fucking sick. Okay, you wanna know something, friends and readers? People thought it was weird that me and The Ex were still friends, and yet they said nothing when both of us were single and just hanging out. For over a year after we split up we hung out every week or so, we texted each other everyday and I slept at his house – in his bed – and he even came to my mom’s funeral to support me. People act like I strung him along, and yet they know nothing of how much I did for him when he was seriously ill and just out of hospital. If he wanted us back together, he did nothing about it. And asking me to be a fuck buddy DOESN’T COUNT. Oh it’s weird that we were friends when I got with my Husband? The Ex was totally fine with spending Christmas with us and our friends, but no-one takes that into account. I wasn’t the weird one, he was the one who said we should stay friends because we were so close and had been through so much together – it’s just easier to blame me, right?
Don’t get me started on the friends and pseudo-family I lost as well. That’s something that hurts more than I’m willing to let on for fear of the same shit I get for being hurt by The Ex. ‘That was then, this is now.’ No shit! Fuck me for missing people I had a connection with. People that I’ll probably never speak to again.
As for me and MFP? Man, that’s an entirely different clusterfuck to tear into and evaluate. If you’re not sure you can be with someone, do the kind thing and LET THEM GO. You cannot keep saying you’re in love with someone and also say you can only ever be friends with them but you’ll always be in love with them despite not being able to be with them. Oh, and you also can’t tell them that you can’t be with them or anyone else in fact for X reason, then go and get with someone else despite X reason seemingly stopping them ever being in a relationship at all. But it’s okay because You Will Always Be Friends, right? FUCK OFF. If you don’t know what you want then that’s your problem – and when I finally snap after years of being lead around the garden shed, you decide it’s easier to drop me rather than try to make things right. After everything he put me through, all I ever wanted was for him to keep me close even without love or intimacy.
My brother T? He will talk to any other family member except me. He has reconnected with my niece, he had a conversation with my cousin’s husband (who walked me down the aisle when by rights it should’ve been T and/or K) and has yet to even introduce himself to my Husband. He has always been a fleeting fixture in my life and I have grown to resent his absence in the rec
ent years – but I still love him and it still fucking hurts that he’s ignoring me like I’ve done something wrong. We both lost our parents, our mother and our fathers, so we should be closer than anything right? Wrong, obviously.
Friends come, friends go. But enough is enough. This is the final straw for me and I don’t know how much more of it I can take. I’m reluctant to get close to any new friends I might make in the future because this is bound to keep happening. I wonder sometimes how I even allowed myself to get married because the idea of losing Husband is something I cannot bear.
Maybe I should just become a crazy dog lady. Dogs have never hurt me, or let me down. Dogs are just amazing. People… not so much.