My last post about the aftermath of the EU referendum results was controversial, to say the least. The best reactions were definitely from my Husband – he said he had been laughing about it all through work that day, and my mom-in-law who sent me this text;
The past few weeks have been unstable to say the least. I’ve been dealing pretty well with venlafaxine withdrawals, they seem to have dulled right down now, but I’m starting to feel more sudden changes of mood again which tells me that I should request a higher lamotrigine dose at my appointment next week with the nurse. I’m still only on 50mg, which is a ridiculously small dose anyway. I also want to find out if she’s finally referred me to the psychology department to look into further therapy beyond medication. It’s hard to keep the faith, but I’m trying my best. Husband had to have yet another lengthy conversation with the pharmacist today about why the dosages are all over the place, thanks to lack of communication between Dr Nutkins-May and my GP.
My mood hasn’t been helped by a so-called friend of mine treating me in a pretty bad way. Well, I call him a friend but it has never appeared that way from the outside if you were to ask my closer friends. I don’t know his reasons why, especially when it started off with such a stupid disagreement. His behaviour has been pretty hostile to say the least, and has reminded me a lot of how I was treated by Manipulative Ex, as well as my mom at times. It all brought me to a very unsavoury conclusion – “I must have ‘victim’ painted on my forehead.” Husband said that wasn’t the case, and that I needed to stop blaming myself for other people being fucked up in the way they treat me. We spent a whole evening talking about the abuse I suffered as a child and the fact that I was blamed for the sick actions of other people – and how I needed to see that, and begin to understand it through the eyes of an adult and not of a scared child.
He’s right, but even he knows it’s not that simple. I know I perceive people and situations differently due to my personality disorder, I can’t simply just switch that perception off – but this doesn’t mean I’m incapable of having a civilised conversation to try and work things through if there’s been a misunderstanding or an argument. Sometimes I actually need someone to spell out what I did and how it affected others – like you would a child. Again, I can’t switch that off, I’m just trying to live with it and work around it.
I’ve tried speaking to this friend after telling him that he coul
d talk to me if I ever did something he wasn’t happy about, and I’m still getting the cold shoulder. If my Husband treated me this way it would be grounds for separation so why should I keep putting up with such behaviour? Especially from someone who has yet to show me any kind of respect or even affection? I’ve spent too long trying to maintain relationships with people who just took everything they could from me and gave nothing back – and I think I’m done with it at this point. I’m 26 years old, married to an awesome guy, I have some utterly wonderful friends and life is generally the best it’s ever been. I don’t need that kind of bullshit in my life, I never needed it and I never will.
Especially when I look at the amount of love I got at my second ever Waterstones Open Mic session on Wednesday evening, talking about these recent events and musing out loud/ranting onstage that we need to stop telling little girls that if a boy is mean to her, it’s because he likes her. It’s essentially the first step to normalising abuse in relationships and we can’t allow our children to grow up believing that! I’ve made a great group of friends with a number of performers there, and they enjoy the words I have to say and the way I am as a person. I need more of that kinda shininess in my life, I think everyone does!
After talking to some of the folks there, it makes me think that I should really hurry up and get my book written and published. I think it could help a lot of people out there, and gives me another platform to be foul-mouthed and honest with the world!