Well, maybe the word ‘meltdown’ is a little strong, but I feel really wobbly at the moment with my BPD and mental wellbeing in general. Both my work and social lives are somewhat topsy turvy for me, with uncertainty seemingly everywhere. I thought I was doing okay, but black/white thinking is driving me crazy and I kinda just want to hide away in bed for a few weeks until things settle down – except, even sleeping doesn’t help because my vivid dreams are taunting me with memories and people that aren’t even in my life anymore. Awesome, just awesome.
I’ve had to ask for an extension on an assignment today, which is risky because today is the deadline. My tutor is aware of my mental illness and has given me an extension in the past so I hope she will allow this for me again, but there is still the niggling doubt that not only will she deny the request, she’ll also ask why the hell I’m even studying when I can’t cope with the relatively small workload. That’s what I keep thinking anyway. If I can’t cope with an Access course, how the fuck will I cope with a degree? How did I cope with my previous attempts at a degree beforehand? Oh wait, I didn’t! Am I just doomed to never finish university? Is it just not for me? (Which is ridiculous, because I managed to complete The Ex’s assignments for him and secure his passing of the second year at university…)
There’s also the list of blog posts and articles that I should be working on, but I can’t bear to look at them. I don’t see a list of tasks, I see a ball and chain that I can’t seem to drag along with me. You’re a failure. You’re a failure. You’re a failure. It’s all I keep thinking, over and over.
I’m currently focusing on another opportunity that may or may not be offered to me in the near future. Something that I’m excited about and that I feel positive for if I’m indeed offered it; but my mind is currently in overload, telling me that by taking that role I would no longer be able to follow my path in mental health advocacy and awareness, nor my path in writing. Black and white, all or nothing, the usual BPD nonsense. I hate this stupid, irrational condition. I’m doubting everything I’ve ever done or wanted to do. Why do I even want to study? Because I feel like failing two chances of a degree is going to haunt me for the rest of my life and I want to prove I’m capable of doing it. I want to finish writing a book, I want to be known for my writing and my passion for mental health advocacy – I felt like I was doing so well!
And now? I feel helpless, drained and just so very sad.
I also really want to play Pokemon GO but I’m bloody sick of hearing about it everywhere I go, be it online or even on the local news.
I want to be a dog. Lady is lying next to me at the moment and she looks so peaceful, dozing away after eating her lunch, knowing that I have two more Jumbones for her in the kitchen. She’s got the right idea about life.