I haven’t eaten my legs, though

Did you know that when an octopus is over-stressed, it will eat its own limbs? While I haven’t resorted to auto-cannibalism, I have recently reached a level of stress where I seem to have just ceased to function. After a tumultuous weekend I just stopped working as a human. All I’ve done is sleep and tried not to cry all the time when I’ve been awake. I’m covered in spots like a teenager, my sciatica has flared up again and I feel permanently nauseous. I actually slept for 18 hours yesterday, Husband said he left me to sleep because I needed it. He wasn’t wrong. I also managed to shower for the first time in nearly a week last night as well, because there was no point to me.14055049_1188146811235806_2607523753272632987_n

I’ve not been at work, I’ve kept my head down from potential advocacy work, writing has become a distant memory and I’ve been waking up every morning wishing I hadn’t bothered. I hate being ill, but I need to drag myself back up out of the depths. It’s been made clear that certain relationships in my life are never going to be fixed, and I need to apply that to the other broken relationships I’ve had. I need to move on. I have to move on. If I don’t move on, it’s going to kill me.

So, over the next week I’m going to try and get my life back on track. I have to talk to some important people over university and future opportunities, I also want to get back out in the world again – or at least, somewhere beyond where I’ve been working anyway. I’m going to brave a Think4Brum focus group this afternoon, as the last meeting was so terrifying to me that I avoided going. I’ve got the voice in my head telling me not to go, that I’ll make a tit of myself, that I’m not important and I won’t be missed… it’s exhausting. I am definitely going back to Slimming World next week to rejoin my group and get back on plan, I’m also going to start planning what other things I want to get back to doing in life.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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About Claire

Well-groomed tomboy. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I hide it well.
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5 Responses to I haven’t eaten my legs, though

  1. You know, as horrible as it sounds like your mental illness is to deal with right now, that ending line is fantastic and uplifting! I like how you compare the Octopus physically eating away at itself to us mentally eating away at ourselves. It’s very profound and highlights how there is no use punishing ourselves for an illness we can only do so much to control

    Thanks for sharing this!

    Like

    • Claire says:

      Thank you for reading! I’m just done with hating myself for this condition, especially when I’m beating myself up for what other people are doing to me. x

      Like

  2. Angharad May says:

    Stay strong! You can do this, you can get back on track and you’ll feel so much better for it, and feel so proud of yourself! Take things one step at a time, and you’ll get there! Don’t put any pressure on yourself, it’ll all happen in time. Keep going! Xoxo

    Like

  3. joe darby says:

    Claire, I need to email you. Ive got some explaining to do. Is this a personal email address?

    Stay strong. Love you lots xx

    ________________________________

    Like

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