Did you know that when an octopus is over-stressed, it will eat its own limbs? While I haven’t resorted to auto-cannibalism, I have recently reached a level of stress where I seem to have just ceased to function. After a tumultuous weekend I just stopped working as a human. All I’ve done is sleep and tried not to cry all the time when I’ve been awake. I’m covered in spots like a teenager, my sciatica has flared up again and I feel permanently nauseous. I actually slept for 18 hours yesterday, Husband said he left me to sleep because I needed it. He wasn’t wrong. I also managed to shower for the first time in nearly a week last night as well, because there was no point to me.
I’ve not been at work, I’ve kept my head down from potential advocacy work, writing has become a distant memory and I’ve been waking up every morning wishing I hadn’t bothered. I hate being ill, but I need to drag myself back up out of the depths. It’s been made clear that certain relationships in my life are never going to be fixed, and I need to apply that to the other broken relationships I’ve had. I need to move on. I have to move on. If I don’t move on, it’s going to kill me.
So, over the next week I’m going to try and get my life back on track. I have to talk to some important people over university and future opportunities, I also want to get back out in the world again – or at least, somewhere beyond where I’ve been working anyway. I’m going to brave a Think4Brum focus group this afternoon, as the last meeting was so terrifying to me that I avoided going. I’ve got the voice in my head telling me not to go, that I’ll make a tit of myself, that I’m not important and I won’t be missed… it’s exhausting. I am definitely going back to Slimming World next week to rejoin my group and get back on plan, I’m also going to start planning what other things I want to get back to doing in life.
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.