It’s exhausting when you’re not me

I’ve always been so used to the rapid changes that go on inside my brain that it’s always been normal. Or at least, normal to me. One day feeling suicidal, the next I’m practically skipping around work with a smile on my face. Spoilers: That actually happened last week. After the upset I faced a few weeks ago, I self-harmed two days in a row and contemplated taking myself into hospital because it was too much for me and far too much for my poor Husband.

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By Claire, aged 26 and a half

All the positive things I talked about doing in my last post? Yeah, none of that happened. I was too tired and too depressed. I spent a good few days trying to sleep my way into some sort of soft reset, but I’d wake up as sad as I fell asleep as. What am I doing with my life? Why am I here? Why do I bother? Husband should just leave and never come back for his own sake. I don’t know why my friends bother with me – they’ll probably leave in the end. Everyone leaves in the end. It took a few conversations with folks, helping them work through some problems in their lives (while ignoring my own) that made me rethink my path in life. That’s something I’m keeping to myself for now, because it could all change. But it’s something I’m trying to focus on.

I still feel wobbly, moods could change in an instant. I have appointments in the next few weeks and some exciting things too – which I will follow through with, despite that voice in the back of my mind telling me not to bother and to just give up.

I have some emails to reply to, and a few things to write up, and I will get on with it. I’ve been working whenever I’ve been able to, which has been a boost. I’m just a little all over the place right now. I don’t know if the words I’m writing even make sense?

…it’s the right time of year to go into hibernation, isn’t it? Time to start building a nest I reckon.

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About Claire

Well-groomed tomboy. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I hide it well.
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5 Responses to It’s exhausting when you’re not me

  1. MM says:

    it’s the worst, when you feel so good and plan on stuff you really wanna do and then your disorder just hits you in the fucking face….
    most of the times i’m just like: oh…okay…
    do anything that can help you (i’m gonna sleep through all of the autumn/winter because it’s when i feel the worst). lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Claire says:

      Sleep is definitely my soft reset button, it helps me recentre, but I’m scared sometimes that if I stop then I won’t start up again. Just when you think the disorder is under control – BAM – it jumps through the wall! Urgh. Loads of love right back at you. xx

      Like

  2. Angharad May says:

    What you write does make sense, and I can relate to a lot of what you write about. Don’t go into hibernation! Even if that’s what you really feel like doing, the best thing to do when you feel shitty, is to actually do positive/productive things that will make you feel better, give you a sense of satisfaction and a sense of purpose. I hope you’re feeling better real soon! Take care xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Claire says:

      I’ve been writing more, and my sleep has been somewhat fragmented, but I’m pushing myself to do stuff even though I might not feel 100% up to it. I have to keep going otherwise I’m scared I’ll stop and never start again. xx

      Like

      • Angharad May says:

        I can totally relate to having fragmented sleep, I’m experiencing that too at the moment and it’s not nice, especially when you have a fight on your hands, a fight for recovery. It’s great that you’re pushing yourself, even though you’re tired. I think that’s the best thing to do, just keep going, no matter what, and hope that things will fall into place soon, the more you keep trying. That just shows how strong and determined you are, that you’re doing things even though you really don’t want to. Keep going! Take lots of care xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

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