I’ve always been so used to the rapid changes that go on inside my brain that it’s always been normal. Or at least, normal to me. One day feeling suicidal, the next I’m practically skipping around work with a smile on my face. Spoilers: That actually happened last week. After the upset I faced a few weeks ago, I self-harmed two days in a row and contemplated taking myself into hospital because it was too much for me and far too much for my poor Husband.
All the positive things I talked about doing in my last post? Yeah, none of that happened. I was too tired and too depressed. I spent a good few days trying to sleep my way into some sort of soft reset, but I’d wake up as sad as I fell asleep as. What am I doing with my life? Why am I here? Why do I bother? Husband should just leave and never come back for his own sake. I don’t know why my friends bother with me – they’ll probably leave in the end. Everyone leaves in the end. It took a few conversations with folks, helping them work through some problems in their lives (while ignoring my own) that made me rethink my path in life. That’s something I’m keeping to myself for now, because it could all change. But it’s something I’m trying to focus on.
I still feel wobbly, moods could change in an instant. I have appointments in the next few weeks and some exciting things too – which I will follow through with, despite that voice in the back of my mind telling me not to bother and to just give up.
I have some emails to reply to, and a few things to write up, and I will get on with it. I’ve been working whenever I’ve been able to, which has been a boost. I’m just a little all over the place right now. I don’t know if the words I’m writing even make sense?
…it’s the right time of year to go into hibernation, isn’t it? Time to start building a nest I reckon.