The mirror and the knife

Being borderline is smashing a mirror up in the hopes of using a shard to harm yourself – and using the handle of a very sharp knife to smash up said mirror, despite the knife being much sharper but you’re so damn focused on that mirror…

(Yes, that actually happened.)

bpdbook

It doesn’t even take a book to understand me…

I was in A&E last night with the very real desire to end my life if I didn’t go there. For a Friday night it was actually pretty quiet, so we didn’t have to wait long to see a psychologist from RAID (the crisis team) which was a bonus. I spoke to her about how I’d been feeling about some things that have been affecting me in a very bad way. This was after I’d spent a few hours with Husband talking and calming myself down. I even asked one of the A&E doctors if I could just go home – but when you go in during a crisis, understandably they can’t just let you walk away. So I saw the psychologist who cleared me to leave as she was satisfied that I was well enough to go, and then I went home.

 

Today, I quit my job. It was the best decision all round, and I feel lighter for it.

Now I’ve got to start the long, possibly painful process of putting myself back together. I want to get back to doing the things I enjoy and that make me happy. Whilst visiting my in-laws during the week I painted for the first time in months. I don’t write any more – something I’m hoping to change during November with NaNoWriMo – and to be honest, I can’t remember the last time I found anything truly enjoyable. I feel drained of all positivity, exhausted right down to my bones and generally like a husk. I want to get rid of that feeling.

It’s going to take time. Bear with me, world.

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About Claire

Well-groomed tomboy. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I hide it well.
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