I had my first therapy appointment yesterday. It was supposed to be with a new psychologist, but some logistical stuff has got in the way so instead I’m going to be continuing with the wonderful psychologist who has restored my faith slightly in my treatment. Seeing as she’s going to be a semi-regular fixture, she has now been dubbed Wizard Psych. Because she’s a wizard. And a psychologist.
Despite waking up feeling like hell – physically, for a change – I still got myself there and only managed to be ten minutes late (it sucks when your first bus is never reliable, but the second bus is…) Wizard Psych told me about what had happened with my original psychologist and then told me that I would be seeing her every two weeks for sessions of therapy. She told me that this first session was to establish what I wanted from therapy, and to also put down a contract of sorts where we agree to certain terms in what’s to be expected.
I told her about recent events that had lead me to A&E a few weeks ago, as well as how I felt afterwards. She was happy to hear that I am trying to recognise negative behaviours and such, but she also said (quite rightly) that what I deem to be positive behaviour, others may still struggle to understand.
We also spoke about how open I am with regards to my illness. The topic of the blog came up, and she wanted to ensure that I was keeping myself safe online as well as not jeopardising anyone else’s safety or privacy. I’ve been on the internet since before social media was really a thing (forums were the best ways to chat to people, and chat-rooms were basically Satan) and I recognise trolling and bullying, etc. As well as this, I’ve had quite a few negative experiences with giving away too much information – the infamous Blog Wars that took place between 2007 and 2009 being a prime example – so I’m aware of what’s good to share and what not to. There’s a good number of people who read my blog who know me and Husband personally, yet I still want to protect him as my husband and as someone with his own life, hence the pseudonym.
She said categorically that neither she nor Nurse Awesome want to see this blog. All they want is for me to assure them that I don’t put things on here that I wouldn’t share with them, as that will definitely affect my treatment. I’m chuffed with that, as this blog isn’t me. It isn’t who I am as a person. Rather, it’s something I use to reach out and talk about something that should be talked about.
We discussed potential areas that need work, as well as the parts of my illness I struggle with the most. So the vulnerability, relationships with others, dealing with how others view me.
The other thing we spoke about was how it seems currently that my mental illness is a large part of my identity – and how I will cope when I’m in a better place. I have seen online cases where someone has entered recovery and suddenly feel very lost at the prospect of no longer having that part of themselves that they’d had for so long. Husband agrees that my BPD is a large part of who I am, and I can agree but to an extent. Up until 2012, I kept all knowledge of my struggles with mental illness confined to myself and those closest to me, such as my parents, closest friends and boyfriends. I kept telling myself that one day I’d be normal, so there was no point in telling anyone else – plus, I was ashamed. But when I broke down in 2012, I couldn’t hide it anymore.
After losing Mom in 2013, I became really ill. In 2014 I was finally diagnosed with BPD, and I’ve made a lot of progress since then. I’m aware that one day I may no longer be so ill, and could be close to being as functional as I can. That’s what I want. And it doesn’t take away what I’ve been through, or my experiences. BPD gets a lot of shit for being such an ugly, uncooperative illness, and that affects sufferers in a huge way. I want to be one of those people that can say, “Yes it is a horrible disorder, but you can survive it as you’ve survived everything else.”
It was only a difficult session because of my fever and sore throat. After I got home yesterday, I went to Slimming World then came home and went to bed. Husband took one look at me and said, “You’ve got the flu.”
Despite a long day yesterday, coupled with feeling like death warmed up and the fact that an orange-faced sex offender is now President… things are looking up.