Nearly two weeks into December, and apparently nearly a month since I last wrote a blog entry here. In all honesty, I had forgotten mostly about this blog until I got a notification on Facebook to show that someone had unliked the page for it. Ouch. Not that I blame them, given my recent silence/self-imposed exile from writing. In fact, I haven’t written anything really since a post over on my writing blog about how I didn’t finish NaNoWriMo this year. I’ve been struggling to write my novel, and I’ve been trying my best to write something for this blog too.
I’ve managed to ride out one hell of a storm over the last five weeks or so, the storm I’ve been in since I left my job. Halfway through November I dropped into a very deep, unrelenting depressive period which was accompanied by almost crippling anxiety. Which didn’t mix well with trying to write 50,000 words over a month, let me tell you. The state that my brain has been has been quite frankly nonsensical. Pokemon Sun/Moon came out halfway through the month, so I traded in some of my old games and consoles to get it along with a new Nintendo 2DS – I’ve switched the console on, but I have yet to actually play the game. I’m looking over at it as we speak. Still not played it. Every time I write it’s like the words don’t actually make sense as I construct sentences. I’ve forgotten a lot of things about how grammar and spelling works, something that embarrasses me no end. I have fallen back in love with painting and drawing again, though. I feel it might have been brought on by my starting therapy.
Yes. Therapy. Thanks to Wizard Psych, I’m going through therapy relatively well. I won’t go too much into what we do behind closed doors so as not to paint too vivid a picture of what therapy is for me – it differs between patients after all. But the exercises and conversations have involved a lot of unravelling and rewiring, digging into unhappy things and trying to work around them. I now have an exercise book with what we’ve been doing, and what I continue to do in the weeks between sessions. My next session is going to be just before Christmas – Husband’s going to be joining me for this one.
In those rougher weeks, I’ve had a lot of shit from other people thrown at me. Some inane comment online by someone who is no longer part of my life, wittering on about things that they only know half of – if that – who also felt the need to tell me that I’m ‘not Little Miss Perfect.’
A) I never said I was.
B) That’s ‘Mrs’ to you.
Along with that, there’s been some attempts to stir up drama from last year based on the internet which has been frankly quite laughable – in the sense that, I keep hearing over and over that I am toxic and that I will never change. Yet, the obvious thing is that I have changed over the entire year, and that sort of shit just doesn’t bother me like it did before. Maybe I’ve finally hardened to that sort of nonsense now, after nearly a decade. It feels like it.
And if I’m so damn toxic, how come I’ve got so many people in my life who like being round me? Or are they immune to my particular venom?
…fuck that. I’m not a bad person. I’ve just been through some really bad times, and I’m doing my best to live around it. I’m going to try and write more, and get back out in the world again. My self-confidence and self-esteem has been shattered, but not so much I can’t glue it back together I hope.
But before all that… The other C-word. CHRISTMAS.