The past few weeks have been hard. On January 18th I was told on Facebook that a dear friend I’d known online for over a decade had passed away after suffering an aneurysm. We never met in person as Tanya lived in America, but we started talking after meeting on a website back in 2006 – the same website I met my friend the Kiwi on, as well as dozens of other friends – and her friendship meant so much to me. She was always only a message away, and supported me through some very rough times as I left my teens. The fact that she’s gone and I never got to meet her in person… it’s really getting to me at the moment. There are so many friends I’ve made over the years that I’ve not met, what if I never get the chance to meet them at all?
I spent a good amount of time in bed last week, out of exhaustion and sadness. My sleep has gone awry (again) and despite making a lot of positive progress at my last therapy session, I almost feel like a fraud. Wizard Psych was very surprised to see me in our morning appointment though, after it was clear last time that we had hit a wall and I was seemingly ready to run and never look back. I guess it’s simple really – I want to have control over my emotions. I want to be able to feel sad and not be so devastated that I’m bedridden. I want to feel happy but not end up manic and doing a million things at once, eventually exhausting myself for the rest of the week. I don’t know if it’ll ever stop being so intense, but I want to manage it nonetheless. Being crippled by your feelings – not exactly something you can announce without looking like an angsty teenager.
(FYI, I was an angsty teenager.)
The other thing messing with my head right now? The new US president is a Tango-faced lunatic with his tiny hands far too close to the red button. The last time I felt so hopeless about the state of the world was when the US invaded Iraq and war was started. Of course in recent years, the Tories got back into power here in the UK and the less said about Brexit… the world is a very shit place. And there remains a voice in the back of my head telling me it’s going to get worse, so why wait for the inevitable? I don’t want to still be here when the Doomsday Clock hits midnight… and that is a very real, tangible feeling that I’m dealing with. And it’s not something you can exactly hide from.
(I’m 26 now, I am too old to be an angsty teenager.)
Rest in peace Tanya, my life is better just for ever knowing you.