The skills that I’m learning in therapy have actually started to become easier to ingrain in my everyday life. So much so that I find myself being able to subconsciously deal with situations that would usually be very difficult and troublesome for me. Last week a friend snapped at me in a bad mood – normally, I’d assume that he hated me and that would be very upsetting. That didn’t happen. I didn’t think anything of it until he apologised to me for his reaction.
Wizard Psych is astounded that I’m making so much progress so quickly, and that meant we were ready to move onto the second part of my desired plan for therapy – digging back into the past and seeing what sort of shit I can actually put to rest so I can move on with life. So… we dug. I spoke. I cried. I spoke a lot about Mom. Wizard Psych noted a lot of things I told her about my mom, her behaviour and how she treated me while I was growing up. She pondered about Mom possibly having undiagnosed BPD as opposed to the bipolar disorder she was said to have in the 1980’s. I agreed wholeheartedly – I’ve written in great detail about Mom possibly being borderline at the beginning of my book about my pre- and post-diagnosis life.
Then, she pondered the BPD diagnosis in itself, my diagnosis. Do I have borderline personality disorder, or am I just a victim of significant trauma? I do fit the framework of the disorder, but does that mean I necessarily have the disorder? Wizard Psych said that I am responding to treatment so quickly, and adapting at a rate that she hasn’t seen before in BPD treatment. Of course she says this is positive! This means there is room for recovery. That I may not have this mental life sentence hanging over my head after all.
But… I’m not saying I want to have BPD. Not in the least bit. But the diagnosis has always made so much sense to me and those around me. I’ve had three years before starting therapy to get my head around what the condition is and what it means in the long term – and I had many more years before that of trying to control my symptoms myself. There’s no doubt that the trauma of losing Mom probably turned my unbalanced state of mind right up to 11, but since a very young age all I have known is trauma. In all honesty, we barely scratched the surface in the hour we spoke, and while I’m not a professional I feel that with further digging, Wizard Psych might find that there’s too much there to not point to a more complex diagnosis. Despite what some individuals on Tumblr might have you believe, BPD is a very complex diagnosis. It isn’t just ticking off lists and answering questionnaires, there are plenty of experts in both psychology and psychiatry who still don’t fully understand what BPD is and isn’t.
It’s not going to be fun, regardless. Or simple. I know I’m pretty good at talking about feelings, but not all that good at feeling feelings. It hurts too much. And in all honestly I’m afraid of what might come to the surface once we start looking deeper. But things don’t stay hidden forever, they never do.
Everything is still up in the air, as always. But I’m doing okay. I’ve still got miles to go regardless.