As you’re all aware, my recent dealings with Capita haven’t exactly proven fruitful. Which has been a source of stress for both Husband and I, as is anything that’s out of our control. After the last disaster that was trying to get to the building where my appointment was back in November, I was sent (yet another) form to explain why I was late – and if it wasn’t good enough then I could kiss goodbye to the only benefit I claim. So I wrote about how the anxiety nearly had me vomiting me in the street along with the fact that their building is far too close to another building with a similar address.
This was deemed satisfactory enough to have someone actually come to my home to talk to me instead of having to make that journey into town again. And in this case, luck was on our side as the appointment day and time fell during a time where Husband could join me for the visit and not have to request (yet more) time off work.
So, Thursday last week rolled around. I got up early, showered, chucked some breakfast down my neck and waited anxiously for the door to knock. About half an hour before the visit was scheduled, Husband popped his head round the bedroom door – where I was sat playing FFXIV on the PC – to tell me that the visit was actually on Friday, the next day. It was written on the calendar and everything.
I am 27 this year, and an idiot.
FRIDAY rolled around, and anxiety was in full force. I also checked the calendar at least fifty times before the Woman From Capita arrived. She was really nice, and good with Lady – she told us that she had three dogs herself, ALWAYS TRUST SOMEONE WHO LIKES DOGS – which meant I could hold onto my pup for dear life during the interview.
When you’re having to explain to someone what it is about your illness that makes you ‘ill’, it never makes you feel good about yourself. Recounting psychotic episodes, hospital visits, medication, relationship and friendship breakdowns, plus the very visible scars… I kept going blank when she was asking me for details, especially when it came to the BPD episodes themselves. Luckily (for her, anyway) Husband was there to give her the gory details of how he has had to physically restrain me before giving me a diazepam and putting me to bed. I felt so bad for him, especially when I realised through talking to Woman From Capita just how much responsibility he carries in our relationship when I’m not well. I am so grateful for this man.
For the whole meeting, I don’t think I looked at her in the eye much. I still feel a great deal of shame for something I am trying to deal with, and learn to get under control so that there are no repeats of the worst things I did whilst ill. BPD is an ugly illness. She was really nice nonetheless, typing away and asking me all the things she needed to – including the obligatory questions about being able to walk so far, feed myself, go to the toilet unaided etc. As soon as she was done, she gave Lady a fuss and said goodbye before she left.
The anxiety stuck around for a little while. But we had lunch, painted some things together and went out to see our friends at FNM. Sadly my mood dropped before the night was over, so we came home and had an early night.
I just hope that everything goes okay and they don’t take that money from me. It’s definitely not enough to live on, I still have to pay for my prescriptions and rent, but it’s enough to help Husband with bills and the like. It makes me feel a little less on a parasite in our marriage.
I’m still trying to find my feet in the world, especially after leaving my job in October last year. But my art, making art for friends and being commissioned for my art has become a huge part of life recently. I mostly make tokens for Magic: the Gathering, but it’s allowing me to develop my personal skills and most importantly? It keeps me busy. It keeps my mind quiet, something that Wizard Psych has been desperate for me to try and stick with. It’s also boosting my confidence and giving me faith in myself as a person. I’ve always drawn and doodled my whole life, until Dad died and I gave it up. Having art back in my life… it feels good.
(Obligatory self promotion in my own blog – here’s my art Instagram if anyone is interested in that sort of thing!)
On another topic, I’m a shameless Evanescence fan and they’ve recently recorded a song that I loved over a decade ago when I was a different person altogether. I love this version as an adult as I loved the original when I was still a teenager.