So I reckon I’m about five sessions into therapy with Wizard Psych, and progress is being made I must say. Over Christmas we were with The In-Laws and had a strangely (to me, anyway) functional time with zero fights, no drink-fuelled arguments or drama boiling over; and during this time it was noted by my mum-in-law that I was doing heaps better than the last time I’d seen her. Before we went up north, I saw my nan who also noted how much ‘better’ I was – she was so happy to hear that I was finally getting some treatment that had potential to help me. Husband has been happy to have his wife back as I’ve been following all the advice that Wizard Psych had been giving me.
But, Christmas was tougher than I expected. From an early age I struggled with the festive period and the unpredictable, often volatile season. Then as I’ve lost loved ones with each passing year, it’s got worse. Even in recent years with just my Husband I’ve found Christmas to be tense and exhausting. That definitely wasn’t the case with my in-laws, we ate, we slept, we drank and relaxed in front of the telly. It was definitely not something I was used to, and it was wonderful. And it threw me for a loop. Along with Husband having the time off work which totally unbalanced both our routines, I felt some of the good work I’d been doing in therapy being undone.
A few days into 2017 and it was time to see Wizard Psych again. While I have been putting a lot of our time into practise, I haven’t been doing the written work she has wanted me to do. I’ve also started putting up the Wall again as I always seem to do when being challenged by someone who might have a clue of what’s going on in my head. I don’t know if it’s a defence mechanism or a subconscious tantrum that the BPD causes my brain to have, but it’s an undeniable pattern. Professional questions why I don’t do this, why haven’t I tried that, eventually asking questions and digging deeper.
Suddenly – NOPE. The brakes are slammed, Claire shuts down and when she walks out of the door she never comes back. And I can safely say we’ve hit that point in therapy now. I even said that to her when I started crying out of frustration and confusion when confronted about the time that’s being taken by me simply not doing as she’s asking me to. It’s clear Wizard Psych has an idea of where she wants me to end up, I think she knows more of what’s going on in my head than she’s letting on – after all, I need to find this for myself – but she’s said that she wants to help me equip what I need to deal with life with BPD. She said that if I don’t have those skills, then we can’t start digging into the past. And with the brakes slammed down hard, she said something that unnerved me; “There’s something in your mind that deep down you don’t want to find, I don’t know what it is but it’s there and there’s a reason it’s been pushed right back.”
I’ve spent most of my life very aware that my mental state was more than just depression as I’d been told. I knew something was wrong with my mind, I just couldn’t explain it until I was diagnosed with BPD. It’s a gut feeling. Along with that, I have worried that there is indeed something in the deepest corner hidden away that has been pushed there for a reason. It frightens me because of the stuff I DO remember because if I can remember those despite the trauma, how bad does something have to get for my brain to go, “NOPE, FUCK THAT, IN THE CUPBOARD WITH YOU”? That’s one body that I would want to keep buried – unless Wizard Psych thinks it best for me to dig it up.
At the end of our session, she did say very gently that she hoped I would return. I left feeling very raw and vulnerable about the things we had spoken about, pretty sure that it was time for me to cut my losses and run again. But that’s all I’ve done whenever it’s got too scary or too tough for me – I can’t keep doing that forever. Not now I have a family I love and a future that I can see for myself. I don’t quite know what exactly I’ll be doing in that future, but I want to be in the thick of it and not spending my years thinking myself into an early grave.
One of the big reasons for working my way into recovery is the fact that for the first time in my life, I truly do have an amazing bunch of people around me. I am much closer to my family now than I probably ever have been, and my friends are all brilliant. Before Christmas, we had a Secret Santa between a number of us and not only was it hilarious, but the gifts exchanged showed just how much we all ‘get’ each other. I got given the brush pen that I’ve been lusting over for my art, while I did a painting for my Secret Santee (is that a word? It is now) and some of the other gifts included vegan cakes, fake drugs, a scratch and sniff book of whisky and a Waka Flocka Flame CD.
Yes, you read that right.
That same weekend we all went out drinking, and not only was it fun but I didn’t have an alcohol-fuelled BPD episode either! I was so drunk I ended up buying blue lipstick online. Sober Claire would not have made this sort of decision.
I have my own cheerleading squad it seems, consisting of my Husband and these adorable dorks I call my best friends.
(I am a hobbit amongst elves, story of my life…)